It’s been over a year since I’ve seen my grandchildren from my son. Not because of anything I did because trust me, I would love to be talking with them at least once per week to find out what’s going on in their little lives. After moving to Colorado, it seems communication with my son became rare. After all, he is just way too busy to spend a few minutes dialing a phone. Of course, that wasn’t the case whenever he wanted a babysitter when I lived close to him.
What is wrong with children today? As a single mother, when both he and my daughter were living with me, it was not an easy task. I may not have been the most attentive having to work two jobs to support them because of dead beat dads not wanting to pay support. But they had loving grandparents (my parents) who helped me out tremendously. In fact, I couldn’t have done it without their help. Funny, how soon they forget the difficulties of trying to afford rent, food, utilities, clothing, extra curricular activities when you are trying to accomplish it on your own. I didn’t have welfare to fall back on because I owned a vehicle, and I couldn’t get a college degree because let’s face it, I didn’t have the time between working two jobs.
I was resented when I tried to have a life for myself. They never liked any of my boyfriends so I basically stayed single after 1990. I had a few long term relationships but ultimately, none of them ever worked out. Hindsight is 20/20 and when I think back on it now, I’m glad they didn’t. I wasn’t a perfect mother and I will never claim to be but I did do the best I could.
My son now lives next door to his father. A father who always made up an excuse as to why he couldn’t take his son for a weekend. I divorced his father because he was cheating on me. Of course, today, he tells our son, that I was the one who was a cheater. He told my son I would always bring a “change of clothes” to work with me. Yeah, because I would hit an all women’s gym after my 8 hour day. He would hit a bar with his buddies and come home drunk almost every night after I picked up the kids from day care. Most Friday nights he wouldn’t come home at all because he got too drunk to drive home. When he lost his job, he decided to become Mr. Mom and I was the one who brought home the pay check. Now that would have been fine and dandy with me if I was a CEO of some company but I wasn’t. I was a secretary for an airlines and though I made good money, it certainly wasn’t enough to support a family of four. He, on the other hand, would go fishing or spend hours in a bar with his buddies after he dropped off the kids to my mother’s. When I insisted he find a job, he found a job that paid $5.00 per hour telling me it was the best he could do.
After six months, he landed a job that took him to LA every day. He made decent money, finally but he was never home. I was still working so it was like I was a single parent. I had all the responsibility of taking care of the home, the kids, and working full time. One Friday night I asked him to try and make it home before 11:00 pm and he said he would try. At the time, I wasn’t aware he was getting into San Diego at 7:00 pm and then hitting a bar until 11:00. Until that night. When he came home smelling like a brewery, I knew then he could give a rats ass about his family. Prior to us getting married, he had come home one night with a hickey on his neck and then he was bragging to his brother and sister how some “Navy lady took advantage of him in an elevator”. Unfortunately, these are the types of men that seemed to attach themselves to me. My bad.
Well, my thoughts were, if I’m going to live like a single parent I may as well be one. We decided to separate and two weeks after he moved out, he was living with another woman. Now where to do you suppose he met her?
Life got a lot tougher for us now a family of three. After he was living with this other person for about 9 months, he came to pick up our son one day and in his hand he had flowers for me. It was our wedding anniversary. He explained he missed his family and wanted to come back to us. Here I was alone for these past nine months and he was playing house with another woman and now he wanted to come back? I don’t think so. Mind you, he had also quit his job so he had no income and of course, he wasn’t paying any child support. I received a phone call from his girlfriend that evening, crying. She wanted to know why I would want him back after throwing him out 9 months earlier. I told her she was crazy, it was the other way around. He wanted to come back. So, he had lied to her too. Didn’t surprise me.
Several years passed and frankly, I was tired of him not paying child support so I started up a support group of other single parents unable to collect child support. An attorney heard about my endeavor and he offered up his services for free. We met at his office and he counseled us, about 20 of us showed up for the first meeting, about how to go about getting what our children deserved. I wrote several articles and had them published in the local newspaper and came up with the saying of “deadbeat dads” and “not paying child support is the same as child abuse.” At one point, he had bragged to me about renting a hotel room to attend “over the line” and the mound of coke they had dumped on the table. But you can’t afford to pay child support? I hired the attorney to get all the back child support and to get him to start paying for his son on a regular basis. It was a fight, and he fought us all the way but in the end, we won. Meanwhile, he had remarried, purchased a condo and was living high on the hog. He took me to court to get his child support reduced however the judge increased it instead. I became his #1 enemy and I didn’t care. My concern was for my son.
When I was living with Kent, a boyfriend of 4 years, my son hated him. Like I stated earlier, my children never liked anyone I dated. Kent had gotten a job in Montana and asked me to go with him. My son was in high school now and getting into trouble with smoking MJ and drinking. I felt the move would be a good one for him. We would be living in a small town and I was hoping to get him away from the bad element he seemed to be hanging out with. My ex called and said he was going to report me for kidnapping. Really? I guess my son had called him and said he didn’t want to move to Montana even though I had sent his father notification that I was moving out of state, he was going to call the DA and have me arrested. I called my attorney and he stated as long as I had given him notice and he had not replied, I could move him out of state. So I did.
My son told me one day as we were driving our trash to the dump how much he loved living in Montana. He had made friends fast because he was funny and he was good looking. All the girls loved him. I was a substitute teacher in his school and I remember one of my fourth graders came up to me and asked me if I was his mother. When I stated yes, she told me I was so lucky because I got to live with him!
Kent and I didn’t last long up in Montana. I bought my own house in town, I bought my son a 4 x 4 truck so he could continue going to his school and we settled in our new home without Kent nicely. My son had his own little studio apartment down in our basement, which was finished and he had good friends to hang with. Little did I know he was still smoking pot and drinking with his new friends but hey, that’s what some teenagers do and he never got in trouble. (I didn’t find this out until he was in his 20’s).
When my son graduated from high school, I asked him if he wanted his father to fly out and see him graduate. He said yes and I allowed him to stay at my house. Still a drinker (I had quit drinking) he would fill up a cooler every morning with his beer and continue to drink all day long. He wasn’t working (again) because he had hurt his back so was on SSDI. We got along during that visit. He explained he was too old to stop drinking and I told him, you’re never too old to stop drinking. My son then went into the Navy (another story for another time) after graduating high school and when he graduated bootcamp, his father and I attended his graduation.
His father had gotten the hotel room where he slept in the bedroom and I got the pull out couch. He rented the car and left it with me because his flight out was before mine. When I got to the airport (I hit a ton of traffic on a Sunday afternoon in Chicago) I didn’t have time to stop and put gas in it. As it was, I had left in plenty of time to get to the airport but I wasn’t expecting the traffic I hit so I almost missed my flight. In fact, I would have missed my flight if I had stopped to put gas in the car. Well, the wrath that began after that was unbelievable. I was called every name in the book for not putting gas in the car and for him incurring the extra charges. I had full intentions of paying him back however his reaction was uncalled for. That’s when I started thinking about all the medical bills and dental bills this jerk never paid his share for and was ordered by the court to help with and he never did. $3,000 for braces, my monthly medical costs that came out of my pay check, he never paid a dime towards. So I said screw it. And I never did pay him for it and he has held that against me ever since.
On that trip, I remember us sitting in the hotel bar one night after taking my son back to the base. His father cried over his beer telling me how he wished he had been a better father to our son while he was growing up. I told told him it wasn’t too late to start being a better father, that our son still needed his father. How soon all this is forgotten.
So now the story is that I was the cheater, I was the bitch, I was the reason my son never got to have a relationship with his father while he was growing up. Amazing how the story has changed. Now I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy. He was the poor soul that was refused a relationship with his son because I was such a bitch. So, now my son has it out for me. The person who has always been there for him no matter what. I supported him not only mentally but financially his entire life. I have lent him money for attorney’s, for purchasing a new vehicle, for airplane tickets, for whatever he needed or wanted. Silly me.
And now, he and his ex wife are refusing to let me see my grandchildren. Grandchildren I babysat for, kept overnight, read bedtime stories to, walked them in the park, spent lots of time with when I lived closer. And as I did for my son when he was younger, I am doing for my grandchildren now, fighting. Since I can’t seem to get any where with either of them, my son or his ex wife, very ungrateful people, I have to take it to court. I have to exercise my grandparent rights through the courts because they refuse to allow me to see my grandkids in the state where I live. My grandchildren have the right to see me and spend quality time with me in my own home. They have the right to get to know their cousins in this state, their aunts and uncles. They have the right to know I did not abandoned them because I moved away. It is selfish of their father, my son, to not allow us to continue our relationship because of reasons only known to my son for his sudden hatred of his mother. This is the thanks you get when you give up your life for someone, for loving someone unconditionally.
Ironically, the attorney I hired is the same attorney that went after his father years ago for back child support! No one seemed to have the ex daughter in laws new address as she blocked me via phone and facebook. My son wouldn’t give up the information either. Which I really don’t understand. Someone who cheated on him and broke up his marriage and he is protecting her? That’s okay, I was born at night but not last night. I found her and now she can be served and we can finally get down to business. The business of letting my grandchildren know I love them and miss them and will do everything in my power to let them know I will fight for them no matter what.
Court was on Wednesday and the judge decided to side with the parents, my son and ex daughter in law. No visitation in Colorado because they both did not want it. Understandably, however, I still can not get over the fact they both lied to in court after swearing to tell the truth! To say I was not a substantial part of their lives, that I had only been with them a total of 15 days throughout their lifetime, to say when Matthew would act up “What’s wrong with that kid?” were all lies…I have always been on Matthew’s side and would never speak about any of my grandchildren that way…but you know what they say, the truth will prevail. When they are older, they will know the truth. Those papers with their mothers declaration on it, will be attached to my last will and testament. They will see exactly how their mother spoke about me. As far as my son goes, he’s dead to me. From now on, we do not purchase anything for these two grandkids. What they will get though is a savings account, in their name, and every holiday, every birthday, we will deposit money into their account until they are 18 years old. I will send them a card and let them know how much I have put into their account for them. I will also be writing them weekly letters and keeping them in a box. If I happen to die before they turn 18, these will also be given to them. This way when they are older, they will be able to read about their Nana’s life and how much I thought about them and loved them. So, even though I will no longer be a part of their lives and get to see them grow up and mature, they will eventually find out just how much I loved them and missed them. In the end, it will be my son and ex daughter in laws loss, and one day, the same thing just may happen to them. I am in the process of writing another blog post detailing everything that happened and everything that was said in court. I am waiting to get a copy of all the paperwork so I can give direct quotes. Oh, yeah, and now the ex daughter in law wants me to pay for her lawyer fees and lost wages. Gee, wonder how she is going to squeeze blood from a turnip…I have no income..good luck with that one…you money hungry bitch!